sparkle me


It's late, I know, but some of these revelations come to us at odd times, and I thought it best to just get it out of my head, so here goes...

I've always been one of those "isn't it wonderful" kind of people. I know that sometimes this can come off as naivety or even ditz, but I'm actually quite aware of all of the ways to view things and I just choose to see and enjoy the wonderment in things. The simple beauty in the gait of an animal has always held more fascination for me than which horse wins the race, and the sound of a child's laughter is more a treasure to me than whatever spectacle caused the laughter.

Now you would think, given my propensity to choose wonderment over practicality and joy over critique, that I would be the type to revel in the beautiful miracle that is Snow. And until this very moment, you would have been right. You would have seen me out on the sidewalk with my arms out to each side, palms turned toward the heavens, head thrown back, mouth open waiting to catch the first flake on my tongue and take in with it all of the magic of winter... but something has happened, something has changed within me.

It is snowing. It's not just a few floating flakes either - my car is covered in white and the sidewalk in front of my house is fast blurring into my yard.

And as I sat up at my living room window watching this happen, I just heard, inside my head, the voice of every "grup" I ever dismissed as curmudgeonly in my youth. Do you know what those voices said?

Dear God, please not more snow, seriously, enough is enough, I have had it! This is just too much!

And in that chorus of tired, annoyed, strained voices, much to my surprise, was my own.

What is it that makes us stop running, stop falling to the floor and rolling with laughter, stop losing our breathe at the sight of an animal at the zoo, stop loving snow unconditionally?

Whatever it is; funny bone, giggle gland, happiness hormone... I seem to have misplaced mine.

So I'm going to find it! That's the only solution, so here I go, out into the snow! If you happen to see a 32 year old woman in her bathrobe, ugg boots, ski gloves and scarf rolling around on your street this morning, peppering your neighborhood with tiny snowmen and shallow snow angels - Do not be alarmed!

It's just me, finding my wonderment...

And unapologetically, unabashedly, unconditionally loving snow.
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    determined determined

adventures with friends

My friend charliemc made me this icon... and in doing so reminded me what a wonderful time I always have when I hang out with my favorite Portland sisters!

I'm holding a copy of The Last Unicorn that had just been signed by the author, Peter S. Beagle ... and then he *hugged* me! I almost melted.

What a great day : )
birthday jess


Have you ever noticed how some words have the power to jump off the page (or screen) and plunge deeply into your stomach like a 6 inch dagger and then twist and turn themselves around until your very being is throbbing with pain?

yeah... just read something that had that effect.

On an up note, before I read what I read I was having a lovely day.

Perhaps I'll read no more today.
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    distressed distressed
birthday jess

Soul Crushing Day

Doug is the love of my life and my rock. He has saved my life in so many ways, literally and figuratively, for so many years. I would be lost without him. He gives so willingly and selflessly of himself. He is the most compassionate, noble, and trustworthy individual that I have ever had the good fortune to meet... and today the world spit in his eye!

Doug is a commercial airline pilot. He went to college and got his BFA, he put himself through the very expensive process of getting his private pilot's license and then went to flight school to become a commercial jet pilot. He put in almost 8 years with a company called Mesa that treats their employees like poop and flouts the FAA safety standards at every chance they get. None of this was easy or cheap, but it was all going to be worth it when he got to fly 737's for United or Southwest or Alaska. United finally hired him a year ago. He gleefully and willingly took a 60% pay cut and a shitty location in order to have the privilege of working for this company.

He was furloughed on October 21st... the next day his car burst into flames on the side of the road in Colorado... but I digress.

Doug is unemployed. He works everyday to find a job that will pay at least what we need to cover the mortgage... and so far... nothing.

Doug is unemployed and yet my friends still have the audacity to complain to me about airfare prices and extra bag fees. He's grounded people... his wings have been clipped... he's a caged bird and I'm afraid of what it is doing to his soul and you can't pay 15 bucks for your freaking 75 pounds of kitsch you wanna bring home from the Bahamas?!?!?

Doug went to Bar Tending school and got his OLCC and the Washington equivalent and his servers/food handlers for both states. He has applied (IN PERSON) at every restaurant or bar that has posted an opening for two months...and still NOTHING.

Doug has been involved in two separate interview processes that are each literally MONTHS long processes of interviews for becoming a 911 operator and today he failed a typing test for one of them (because he has the flu and hasn't slept in 4 DAYS but went anyway because he is so desperate not to hold up the process by even an extra week) and now has lost his chance completely with that county! The bastards won't let him retest even though he has scored OFF-THE-CHARTS high on all of the other tests and interviews (and hoops and red tape) he's been through for them.

In the last 3 months my Doug, my brother, my sister, 3 of my cousins and 5 friends have lost their jobs... oh yeah and me too. At least I have a new job.

I hate all of those poopheads out there who won't even give this really great guy a return call. It's crushing his once interminable spirit and it's killing me to watch it.

Doug is my world and there is nothing I can do.
birthday jess

New Year, New Habits

OK, so it is officially a new year, although it has felt like something new since October 10th, 2008... New Year, New Era, New Direction, New Everything. New Years are about new opportunities and so I am going to seize some... here goes:

I've joined a gym and I have already been 3 times, (twice last week and once the week before... during the Snowpacolypse! {thanks M for that fabulous word})and I am going again tonight and hopefully every weeknight for a year!

I've started a new job. The business is interesting and the people are passionate and they pay me more than the last job I had, and all of those are good things. More to come.

I am NOT giving up on the people that are important to me. I have let many relationships stall, fizzle, stagnate or even suffer in 2008. I've said things I didn't mean and meant things I never said. So, I'm going to spend 2009 being a better friend. Being more communicative, taking more initiative, being less selfish, and finding more time for those people who share my love of laughter, adventure, and spontaneity.

And finally, hopefully, I'm going to express myself more... more precisely, more directly, more honestly, more strangely.

I'm not really one for resolutions, but I do seem to be able to hang on to some pretty interesting habits. Here's hoping these stick!
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    hopeful hopeful